Fear of Intimacy: A Relationship Roadblock

Here’s how to recognize and understand someone with a serious aversion to closeness.

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The Hallmarks of a Healthy Relationship

Wonder what it takes to make a romantic relationship flourish?

4 Signs Your Partner May Be Headed for the Exit

If you’re wondering if your relationship is going to last, here are some signals that your partner could be looking for the nearest off-ramp.

5 Dating Rules Seattle Singles Should Never Break

No one said dating was easy, but follow these five rules and you’ll enjoy a richer experience as a single person.

Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut

Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in the flesh, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting, then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way), you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.

Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags

Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Oftentimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. To become a truly successful single in the new millennium, you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist. That means paying attention to red flags as they are presented to you on dates. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.

Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

During the course of your dating life you will most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.

Rule #4: Don’t Play Games

Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.

Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”

Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s how to spot a player: When they approach, they’ll take you off guard with a backhanded compliment/insult along the lines of “you’re too cute to be wearing that” or “I’d buy you a drink, but you probably wouldn’t talk to me.” These tactics are known as The Game. The player’s motive is to take you off guard so that you’re on the defensive and try to make up for it by engaging in their game. The problem is, these players aren’t genuine. Instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.

While there are no hard and fast dating rules, there are definitely guidelines to follow to make your dating life more enjoyable. By listening to your gut, paying attention to red flags, and understanding that actions speak louder than words, you cut down on wasted dating time. In doing so, you not only avoid getting played, but you also greatly increase your chances of relationship success.

The Relationship Killers: 8 Things  Seattle Singles you Should Never Say

We are all going to fight in our relationships, but whether we fight fair is another story. Avoid these eight phrases and you’ll be one step closer to a happier, healthier relationship.

Are the following eight phrases part of your vocabulary when dealing with the love of your life? Remove these fighting words from your love lingo and you’ll reap the rewards. Don’t, and your relationship just might meet the grim reaper!

“Then I guess we shouldn’t be dating!”

You wouldn’t tell your boss you’re quitting your job unless you meant it, would you? But sometimes, in a relationship, people are tempted to pull out the nuclear option just to get the other person off their backs: “If you don’t like the way I season veal, then you’ll never understand me! We should just break up!”

Save breakup talk for when you truly want to end a relationship, not as a rhetorical weapon. Otherwise, you risk your match taking you up on the offer and leaving you crying over steak for one.

“Why can’t you be more/less like my ex?”

We all have exes that have taught us what we do and don’t like in relationships. But the person you’re with now wants to feel special, not like the sequel to a bad romantic comedy. Don’t make it sound as though you’re still hung up on the past. Tell your current love specifically how you feel and what you want, but in the context of the present.

“I’m just too tired from working all day to help you with that.”

Of course, you’re not lying – you probably did get exhausted from rushing around and dealing with your boss all day. But in the modern era, when most men and women have taxing jobs outside the home, this is the lamest excuse in the book. Remember, the man or woman you love is probably as exhausted as you, and even if they’re not, they shouldn’t have to pick up your dirty socks, move a couch by themselves, or take the kids to lacrosse practice just because you did a little work. If you’re really tired, ask to trade or defer chores. Or better yet, just do whatever it is eagerly and quickly, so you can have time to relax and enjoy each other’s company.

“Let’s go grave digging!”

Have you ever complained to your loved one that they forgot to do something, and instead of apologizing they brought up something slightly similar that you once did? Everyone makes mistakes, but small infractions done long ago are not hooks to hang your hat on when you want to avoid blame for something you’re doing in the present. “You forgot to feed the dog five years ago!” is no excuse for forgetting to feed the cat today, and bringing up past transgressions simply leads to an escalation of blame and hurt.

“Do as I say, not as I do!”

It’s hard to come home and find that the kitchen is a mess, but… when was the last time you took out the garbage? If you’re going to criticize your spouse or your girlfriend or boyfriend for something they’re neglecting to do, it had better be something you do fairly consistently. Otherwise you’ll come off as a nag who wants the rest of the world to get busy while you put your feet up.

“You’re a lousy lover!”

You were hoping for fireworks – but your sweetie is a sparkler at best. Though you may be frustrated, the worst thing you can do in the moment is to ridicule or insult the person you love for their romantic performance. In intimate situations, when a person is sharing a very private and special part of themselves with you, they are at their most vulnerable, so angry words take on an especially hurtful tone.

If you want to heat things up, positive reinforcement yields better results than angry criticism. “I’d love it if we could stay in this position” works a lot better than “You never stop squirming!” Being a bully in bed might make your beau yearn for someone a little less romantically selfish.

“You knew I was this way when you met me!”

On the one hand, it’s not a good idea to get into a relationship with the intention of changing who someone is. But on the other hand, people naturally change as they grow older, often getting better at time management, financial planning, and social interactions. If one of you is growing and changing and the other is staying stagnant, that’s a big problem. Claiming that you’re allowed to go drinking every night or leave the toilet seat up because that’s what you did when the two of you started dating is effectively saying “I will never grow or change, so don’t invest any hopes in me.”

Rather than freezing your personality in time, address the issue at hand. Come to the table with some things you feel you can change. Then give logical, personal reasons why you prefer to stay the same about other things.

“No comment.”

With all the relationship-killing things you can say, it may be tempting to say nothing at all. But talking and interacting with the other person is your principal job in a relationship!

If you’re not truly listening to your partner, and not expressing yourself – if you’re always saying “fine” or “no problem” – then your issues will never work their way toward resolution, and your partner won’t be able to feel close to you. If you stifle conversation, you’ll suffocate intimacy as well, and soon find your relationship breathing its last gasps.

These are all good things to avoid saying when speaking to a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even someone you’re just beginning to date. Are there some stock phrases you’ve said, or been told, that eventually led to a breakup? Let us know if there’s a phrase that rubs you the wrong way. And let us know if you’ve found some good alternatives to these phrases, to enhance the conversation and lead to greater closeness!

7 Signs of a Desperate Dater

We’ve all seen it before. The crazy, overeager smile. That “please love me” tone. Desperation isn’t pretty, and if you’re the one feeling slightly under pressure it can be hard to know the difference between reasonable pro-activity and sad, demeaning behavior. We’ve cooked up this short guide to help you keep yourself in check.

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You may also be beating yourself up, wondering how a smart, savvy, somewhat idiot-proof individual like you could have gotten so blindsided by someone you trusted and loved. Between the tears, humiliation, and confusion, you may wonder how you’ll ever survive. What follows are five crucial steps to successfully move forward and beat the bite of betrayal. When implemented, you will rise above the pain, and ultimately achieve peace of mind and forgiveness.

Step #1: Practice Forgiveness
If your partner’s betrayal has you trapped in a prison of pain, blame, and resentment, it’s time to forgive yourself so that you can be free from the pain, confusion and anger. Yes, your life has been turned upside down, and yes, betrayal is unconscionably bad behavior. But until you can forgive yourself and at least consider forgiving your partner, your heart, soul, and body will become a toxic receptacle, holding onto all negativity like a sponge. Do yourself a favor, spare yourself months of self-loathing and blame by instead giving yourself the gift of forgiveness. Bear in mind forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. You are not letting the other person off the hook for hurting you, but you are lessening the grip betrayal has over you and allowing greater focus on the many positive points in your life that can help you move forward. Ultimately, practicing forgiveness is the pathway to healing.

Step #2: Self-Worth vs. Blame
Instead of blaming yourself for your partners’ betrayal, appreciate your worth, know you are enough just as you are, and recognize the infidelity or other betrayal had nothing to do with you. On the flip side, if you’re stuck in a cycle of intense anger and blame towards your partner, you need to decide if you can start to let go and rebuild your relationship, or if it’s time to walk away and move on. To help you decide whether to stay or go, you first need to understand the origins of betrayal. Most people who cheat and/or betray in some other way suffer from low self-esteem. They also have a high need for acceptance and approval. If your partner fits this description, you need to decide if you can deal and heal or give your partner the heave ho in order to recover. Either way, it’s essential to stop taking the betrayal personally. Instead, free yourself from the blame game, live in the present, and move forward with productive, positive thoughts. Bask in the knowing that you are not to blame.

Step # 3: Permission to Heal
Instead of punishing yourself and hanging on to the “story” of your betrayal, give yourself permission to heal, starting right this minute. Sound impossible? It’s not. Start by turning down those obsessive thoughts about the past and what can’t be erased. Next, practice self-love, reminding yourself that you are a loving and caring individual who didn’t deserve to be betrayed. Next, start thinking about what you can learn from this agonizing experience. What lessons can you now apply to create a rock solid relationship in the future? Will you listen to your gut, question red flags, and pay attention to warning signs along the way? Will you love yourself enough to only allow in that happy, healthy, and loving relationship you deserve? If betrayal is part of your journey (and like it or not, it is), what enlightening insights can help you heal in the months to come (and hopefully avoid any future betrayals)?

Step #4: Rebuild Trust
While it’s easy to fall into the betrayal trap of massive mistrust towards your partner moving forward, be aware that projecting your fears will not help you heal. If you plan to stay with your partner, you’ll need to focus on rebuilding trust. If you can’t forgive, then don’t waste time staying in the relationship and trying to make your partner pay for their past transgressions. Instead, give yourself the opportunity to pick up the pieces and start again. Start by learning to trust yourself and your life choices. Instead of focusing on your ex and the betrayal (not to mention past relationship disappointments that may be adding up to a mistrust in yourself right about now), think about all the amazing people in your life who you can trust, including yourself. Make a list of ten fantastic choices and decisions you’ve made in the last few years. Reflect on the people who have kept your confidences, honored their word, and stuck by your side. Soon, you’ll be slaying the beast of betrayal and going from victim to victor. Plus, by slowly and steadily rebuilding trust with your partner (or simply with yourself if you leave the relationship), you’re better able to let go of fear, doubt, and insecurity.

Step #5: Don’t Punish Future Partners
Another travesty of betrayal may not present itself until your next relationship. Still, now’s the time to ask yourself if you plan on punishing future partners for your ex’s sins, or if you’ll be strong enough to give them the trust they deserve. For example, if a future date says or does something that triggers a memory of betrayal, instead of treating them unfairly, accusing them of lying, and then pulling away without explanation, why not calmly and courageously express your fears and concerns? If you cop to your insecurities and give your date a chance to hear you out, you’ll maximize your chances of building an open, honest, and successful relationship.

Truth be told, every relationship has its rough patches, but if you proceed with clarity, you’re guaranteed a smoother ride. After a betrayal, it’s all too easy to fall into a funk of doubt, anger, and uncertainty about the future. By working the five steps above, you’re more likely to beat those betrayal blues, and ultimately build a more stable and satisfying future. When in doubt, stay focused, practice patience, and persevere!

But what really get us are the shows about love. From “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” to “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?” and “Newlyweds,” never has television spent so many hours examining the lives of couples—how they meet, fight, and, more often than not, break up.

And in the wake of Nick and Jessica, Carmen and Dave, Travis and Shanna, and the media frenzy that surrounded these breakups, can we trust reality television to have any positive role in creating or documenting committed couples? Unfortunately, reality dating shows seem bent on creating hilarious drama at the expense of happy relationships.

Dating Shows: Helping People Fall All Over Themselves for All the Wrong Reasons

The most common format of reality dating shows is to feature a group of people competing for one member of the opposite sex. Not only do they get the “prized” guy or girl, winners are usually promised an additional reward—the security of marrying a multi-millionaire, the celebrity of a dating rock star, something to make their efforts even more worthwhile.

Whatever the payoff, reality-show contestants seem to be motivated by everything but the quest for true love. They seem to be vying for notoriety, money, a shot at being on TV and creating drama for a willing public. And, hey, sometimes it works. A few contestants go on to get their own show later (à la runner-up Tiffany “New York” Pollard of “Flavor of Love” fame).

So these contestants battle it out to keep themselves on the show for one more episode, creating lots of humor and drama for viewers. But by the end, the goal—being in a normal, committed relationship—is lost amid the fighting, name-calling, and chaos.

And the numbers play this out. In 11 seasons of “The Bachelor,” for example, 10 out of 11 romantic conclusions resulted in hasty breakups, reneged engagement plans, or simply no engagement at all. Some of the losing contestants even went back to their “exes” once the episode was over, because hey, it was all just a game! The show’s creators like it that way, because they bet we’ll prefer the chase to what happens after the catch.

Not only the contestants, but usually the “catches” too are hard-wired for a bad time and an early divorce! When we look at the behavior of Brett Michaels, Flavor Flav, Tiffany Pollard, or Scott Baio, the last thing we think is that he or she is a healthy choice for long-term relationship success. It’s this very instability that drives us to keep coming back for more, not any glimmer of hope that these relationships will be successful.

Reality Relationships + Breakups = Ratings

The first reality show was PBS’s 1973 mini-series “An American Family,” which chronicled the separation and divorce of Bill and Pat Loud of Santa Barbara. The show garnered 10 million viewers. And ever since, reality television has seen dollar signs in divorce, picking couples not for their stamina, but rather their stress fractures. Whether it’s Nick and Jessica or Travis and Shanna, the relationships we see on reality television are either doomed from the start or likely to have some major blowouts along the way.

If anything in recent years epitomized reality TV’s hatred for happy couples, it was “Temptation Island.” The premise was this: four couples are put on an island with a bevy of hot men and women paid to tempt them away from their steady beaus. Every show—especially the concluding episode, in which the couples were made to watch their loved ones make out with strangers on video—was geared toward breaking people up. Perhaps the fact that the majority of couples stayed together was what condemned the show to cancellation.

Reality TV’s Surprising Fishbowl Romances

It may seem that romance is doomed on reality television—and it is, when the focus of the show is romance. But in the “fishbowl” shows, with a dozen people crammed together in a scenario where they’re forced to live in a loft or on a desert island, romance can thrive when the cameras are looking elsewhere.

Take “Survivor: All-Stars” from 2004. When contestants Amber Brkich and Rob Mariano seemed to be getting sweet on each other, Amber told us that she was on the show to win, not on “The Dating Game.” But out of the limelight, love bloomed, and Mariano ended up proposing on the show’s finale! The two were married in the Bahamas in 2005 and are still going strong.

And MTV’s “The Real World” has unwittingly created several long-term romances. Viewers of the San Francisco edition may remember Pedro and Puck fighting over peanut butter, but behind the scenes, Pam Ling and Judd Winick formed a relationship that eventually blossomed into marriage and, later, children. Their co-star Rachel Campos went on to marry Sean Duffy from the Boston cast, and on a reunion show, Danny Jamieson from the Austin cast proposed to Melinda Stolp, who accepted. The couples are all going strong and their relationships seem based largely on compatibility, a trait that reality TV would never have matched them by had they met on one of the many dating shows.

So it seems that when reality TV puts people together, it only succeeds in tearing them (and even the institution of marriage) apart. Yet when people of similar temperament are stuck together and forced to bond over a shared task, they see each other’s strengths and weaknesses, cameras or not. And gradually, sometimes even after the shows are over, love emerges. Perhaps there is a lesson here for our own real relationships: private moments with compatible people—rather than public outbursts or economic motivation—are the seeds from which real love can bloom.

In other words, when talking to couples that have been successfully married for many years they rarely list “physical attraction” as one of the core issues that has led to their success.

In addition, it’s a sad fact that today in society people often use physical attraction as their “only” gauge of whether to pursue a relationship. This notion is reinforced constantly by our media and leads to large numbers of shallow, dysfunctional and ultimately failed relationships. Having said all that, we do believe that physical attraction is germane to a healthy, successful relationship and discourage relationships between two people who get along great, appear to be compatible and yet have no “spark.” Building a great relationship without the excitement and attraction that comes from Little Physical Attraction = Deal Breaker? is impossible.

Remember, a “great person” is not a “great person for you” unless they meet your needs and desires in a partner. You needn’t feel guilty about your lack of physical chemistry with a person. In fact, you’re acting compassionately by letting them know you’re not attracted, (gently, no need to be blunt here) so they can find someone who does find him or her physically appealing.

If this reminds you of your romantic relationship—a constant game of “catch-me-if-you-can”—then you may be involved with someone who suffers from commitment phobia. Maybe you are that person. Whether you’re hiding in the holes or holding the hammer wishing your partner would just stand still for a second, this article is for you. Here are four things you need to know:

Commitment phobia is often misdiagnosed. “Phobia” is a word that carries a negative connotation, implying irrational, even neurotic, fear. But you should be careful before accusing your partner, or yourself, of being “afraid” to commit. Cautious deliberation when making a decision with life-long implications is not necessarily irrational or fearful. Sometimes it is the most prudent thing to do. Does double-checking your parachute before jumping out of a plane make you acrophobic? Certainly not.

Commitment phobia flares up when “what next?” comes up too soon. If you or your partner feel unsettled at the idea of settling down, it may signal nothing more than the need to let more time go by before considering an exclusive relationship. Rushing to nail down your future together may paradoxically poison it—if the time is not yet right. Remember, just because one of you feels ready now doesn’t mean the other should as well. Each of us must arrive at life-changing decisions in our own time.

Commitment phobia can signal unresolved pain in a person’s past. When a relationship takes longer to develop than we’d like, we often respond in frustration, swinging the hammer harder than ever. That is unlikely to help, especially when the reason for reluctance is a still-tender emotional wound one of you is shielding from further injury. If a previous commitment went bad, it may take an extra helping of compassion and understanding—easy on the accusations—before you are ready to try again.

Commitment phobia is sometimes exactly what it seems—a dodge. When all other options have been considered and discarded, what’s left may be an unpleasant truth—that your partner is dragging his or her feet to keep options open in case someone better comes along. Usually, there are other obvious warning signs as well. If so, call it like it is and move on.

What’s the best antidote to confusion over commitment phobia? Patience . . . discernment . . . and communication — lots of it.