Fear of Intimacy: A Relationship Roadblock
Here’s how to recognize and understand someone with a serious aversion to closeness.
Anyone who has been around the block a time or two would agree: dating is definitely not for cowards.
It takes a lot of courage to turn the spotlight on yourself—in public, no less—and let another person take a good, long look at you. Who wouldn’t squirm, at least a little, under such scrutiny? But some people feel more than the usual amounts of stress when in the romantic hot seat. They have a genuine fear of intimacy, a powerful dislike for letting anyone get close enough to see them clearly and know them well. A fear of intimacy places strict limits on a relationship right from the start.
There are lots of reasons for people to keep their guard up:
Fear of intimacy masks a lack of confidence.
People like this are convinced that to be seen as they really are virtually guarantees swift rejection. They are sure they aren’t attractive or interesting or worthy of attention. They just know a new romantic partner will feel that way too. To them, intimacy is synonymous with pain.
Fear of intimacy masks hidden wounds.
Past romantic disasters may have contributed to this lack of confidence. Some people take longer than others to get back in the saddle after being unceremoniously dumped. But an inability to open up may also stem from deeper, more serious wounds. For instance, a victim of domestic violence or childhood abuse may experience a visceral aversion to closeness with others that is difficult to overcome.
Fear of intimacy masks hidden secrets.
The truth is, people who are “guarded” may, in fact, be guarding something they feel is shameful or dangerous. It could take a long time to earn their trust—and you might eventually be sorry you did.
So how can you tell the difference between a person with ordinary dating jitters and someone who may never give you a look at his or her inner thoughts and feelings? Here are three common defense mechanisms to watch for:
Constant motion, constant crowds. The last thing this person wants is to be still and alone with you—a breeding ground for uncomfortable conversation and probing questions. Instead, she will fill your time together with activity and “busyness”; he’ll consistently invite others to “tag along.”
A sarcastic sense of humor. There is a reason we sometimes say a person has a “rapier wit.” Biting humor is as defensive as a drawn sword. Comments that slice are a great way to keep people at arm’s length, especially those who genuinely want to come closer.
Preemptive sex. At first glance, this point may seem counterintuitive. After all, how could a person with a fear of intimacy have a casual attitude about sex, the most intimate act of all? Remember, we are talking about people who are afraid of emotional closeness. What better way to jump right over all that terrifying pillow talk than to treat sex as the only point?
Recognizing the telltale signs that you or your partner suffers from a genuine fear of intimacy is the first step toward patiently overcoming it.
The Hallmarks of a Healthy Relationship
Wonder what it takes to make a romantic relationship flourish?
Remember the last time you took your car in for a diagnostic check-up? Maybe your vehicle was making a strange noise, or perhaps it was for routine maintenance. The mechanic attached wires to the engine, stuck a gauge in the exhaust pipe, hoisted the vehicle on the hydraulic rack to inspect the undercarriage, and so on. The verdict: a few quick adjustments, and you’re good to go. Come back in another 10,000 miles.
Ah, if healthy relationships were just that easy! But of course human beings—with all their emotions, blind spots, and baggage—are far more complex and complicated than even the most electronically equipped, computer-controlled automobile. Consider this a diagnostic check-up to determine if your current (or future) relationship is running smoothly and built to last.
Healthy Relationship Indicator #1: The Foundation Is Made of Mutual Respect.
Some sage once said, “You can’t love someone you don’t respect.” We could amend that to say, “You can’t maintain a happy, long-term relationship with someone you don’t respect and/or who doesn’t respect you.” Mutual respect is at the very core of enduring relationships. It confers dignity, honor, and high worth to the recipient. In contrast, lack of respect leads to all kinds of relational ills—putdowns, dishonesty, cheating—which are sure to sink a relationship eventually.
Healthy Relationship Indicator #2: Both Individuals Attend to Their Emotional Health.
The degree of durability and well-being in a romantic partnership is directly related to the emotional health of each person involved. For instance, it’s estimated that 75 to 80 percent of all marriages that eventually end in divorce or separation have at least one partner who suffers from a deficiency in this area. Usually, issues had plagued them for years, long before they got married. It’s a fact that no relationship can ever be healthier than the emotional health of the least healthy partner.
Healthy Relationship Indicator #3: Trust Is Nurtured and Protected.
Love and trust are as tightly intertwined as strands on a rope. When trust is broken, love is diminished and damaged. But when trust is diligently maintained, love grows stronger and stronger. Trustworthy partners know that every investment they make in the relationship will pay dividends.
Healthy Relationship Indicator #4: Both Individuals Feel Free to be Authentic.
This means being who you truly are, resisting the impulse to play games or put on a false persona to impress someone. Authentic people aren’t so judgmental, uptight, and defensive that they bristle at differences. They value individuality and uniqueness. In short, authenticity means being real and genuine in any circumstance.
Healthy Relationship Indicator #5: The Prevailing Attitude Is “You First.”
Unselfishness is central to any successful partnership. If you notice that the person you’re with shows little regard for your wishes and opinions, is intent on getting his way, doesn’t ask about your life, and consistently displays a me-first attitude, you’re probably in the presence of someone more selfish than selfless, more bigheaded than bighearted. The best lovers are those who are generous with their time, affirmation, money, praise, and attention.
Healthy Relationship Indicator #6: The Couple Knows How to Work Through Problems.
Every dating relationship and every marriage has conflict. Disagreements are the consequence of two unique individuals expressing themselves on an unending number of issues. Besides which, modern life is filled with headaches and hassles—and the resulting stress on couples is enormous. In great relationships, two people learn how to manage their conflicts thoroughly and efficiently so that harmony prevails most of the time.
Healthy Relationship Indicator #7: Joy and Laughter Abound.
Have you noticed that some couples seem to constantly bicker, squabble, or sit in sourpuss silence? Of course you have. It’s a sure bet these individuals are wondering why they got together in the first place. Healthy couples, on the other hand, regularly laugh together, find reasons to celebrate, and experience delight in unexpected moments. It sounds simple, but the most loving and lasting relationships involve two people who flat out enjoy being together.
You could probably add to this list, identifying qualities you consider essential to healthy relationships. But surely, if the seven indicators above are present, a couple stands an excellent chance of enjoying a magnificent partnership.
4 Signs Your Partner May Be Headed for the Exit
If you’re wondering if your relationship is going to last, here are some signals that your partner could be looking for the nearest off-ramp.
There’s a natural ebb and flow to relationships, and the healthiest couples understand that just because a partner gets busy or asks for space doesn’t mean the end is near. There are, however, signs that may portend the beginning of the end. What are they… and what can you do about them?Consider:
Seeking or creating distance. If your partner is spending less time with you, is less available by phone or text, or seems distracted when you are together, it might simply signal a busy season at work or a temporary preoccupation with other matters. However, when the need for space feels extreme or seems ongoing, it may be a sign that your partner is looking for a more lasting change.
If he or she is also finding ways to create distance by picking fights over things that never mattered before, your partner may be looking for a way out. Is your relationship still salvageable? It’s possible, but you won’t save it by becoming clingy and demanding. Chasing a retreating partner never helps. Instead, pull back yourself and give your partner the space he or she seems to need. While some folks say “out of sight, out of mind,” others believe that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” See which one holds true for you.
Keeping secrets, telling lies. Discovering that your partner is acting stealthy and sneaky doesn’t just mean he or she is headed for the exit — it’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If your partner isn’t passionate about regaining your trust and committing to total honesty, the person who should be looking for the exit is probably you. Don’t kid yourself: some “harmless” fibbing often evolves into outright dishonesty, and small secrets evolve into big deception.
Cranking up the criticism. Traits your partner used to think were charming quirks have suddenly turned into annoying flaws. If your partner has developed a “glass is half empty” attitude toward you or your relationship, it may mean he or she is trying to justify a waning interest. If you see this sign, a heart-to-heart conversation may be in order. And if your partner admits to wanting out of the relationship, say goodbye. Agreeing to part ways now will be less painful than enduring passive-aggressive treatment by someone who wants out but lacks the courage to break it off.
Absence of couple identity. The two of you used to talk for hours about the future, but lately your partner has stopped making references to you as a couple or to your future together. If you’re getting the uneasy feeling that your partner doesn’t view you as a couple—or if your partner’s vision of the future no longer seems to include you in it—your relationship is likely to be short-lived.
Can a relationship recover from this kind of disconnect? It’s possible, but not without some honest conversation about where you’re headed. Perhaps your partner wants to feel like a couple—and may even hope to share your vision for a future together—but needs more time to wrestle with doubts or issues. If, however, your partner believes your relationship has no real future, it’s time to free yourself to meet someone who shares your vision of a healthy, committed relationship.
Letting go of dead-end relationships is never easy. Yet sometimes it’s the only way to embrace something better down the road. Watch for the signposts that your partner is looking for the nearest off-ramp.
5 Dating Rules Seattle Singles Should Never Break
No one said dating was easy, but follow these five rules and you’ll enjoy a richer experience as a single person.
When it comes to your love life, do you wish there was a rule book? While The Rules are so last century, a new dating handbook has yet to be created in the new millennium.
So how do you know the dos and don’ts of dating? The truth is there are no hard and fast rules, but the following guidelines should help you navigate the tricky terrain known as your dating life.
Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut
Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in the flesh, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting, then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way), you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.
Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags
Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Oftentimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. To become a truly successful single in the new millennium, you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist. That means paying attention to red flags as they are presented to you on dates. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.
Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words
During the course of your dating life you will most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.
Rule #4: Don’t Play Games
Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.
Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”
Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s how to spot a player: When they approach, they’ll take you off guard with a backhanded compliment/insult along the lines of “you’re too cute to be wearing that” or “I’d buy you a drink, but you probably wouldn’t talk to me.” These tactics are known as The Game. The player’s motive is to take you off guard so that you’re on the defensive and try to make up for it by engaging in their game. The problem is, these players aren’t genuine. Instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.
While there are no hard and fast dating rules, there are definitely guidelines to follow to make your dating life more enjoyable. By listening to your gut, paying attention to red flags, and understanding that actions speak louder than words, you cut down on wasted dating time. In doing so, you not only avoid getting played, but you also greatly increase your chances of relationship success.
The Relationship Killers: 8 Things Seattle Singles you Should Never Say
We are all going to fight in our relationships, but whether we fight fair is another story. Avoid these eight phrases and you’ll be one step closer to a happier, healthier relationship.
Are the following eight phrases part of your vocabulary when dealing with the love of your life? Remove these fighting words from your love lingo and you’ll reap the rewards. Don’t, and your relationship just might meet the grim reaper!
“Then I guess we shouldn’t be dating!”
You wouldn’t tell your boss you’re quitting your job unless you meant it, would you? But sometimes, in a relationship, people are tempted to pull out the nuclear option just to get the other person off their backs: “If you don’t like the way I season veal, then you’ll never understand me! We should just break up!”
Save breakup talk for when you truly want to end a relationship, not as a rhetorical weapon. Otherwise, you risk your match taking you up on the offer and leaving you crying over steak for one.
“Why can’t you be more/less like my ex?”
We all have exes that have taught us what we do and don’t like in relationships. But the person you’re with now wants to feel special, not like the sequel to a bad romantic comedy. Don’t make it sound as though you’re still hung up on the past. Tell your current love specifically how you feel and what you want, but in the context of the present.
“I’m just too tired from working all day to help you with that.”
Of course, you’re not lying – you probably did get exhausted from rushing around and dealing with your boss all day. But in the modern era, when most men and women have taxing jobs outside the home, this is the lamest excuse in the book. Remember, the man or woman you love is probably as exhausted as you, and even if they’re not, they shouldn’t have to pick up your dirty socks, move a couch by themselves, or take the kids to lacrosse practice just because you did a little work. If you’re really tired, ask to trade or defer chores. Or better yet, just do whatever it is eagerly and quickly, so you can have time to relax and enjoy each other’s company.
“Let’s go grave digging!”
Have you ever complained to your loved one that they forgot to do something, and instead of apologizing they brought up something slightly similar that you once did? Everyone makes mistakes, but small infractions done long ago are not hooks to hang your hat on when you want to avoid blame for something you’re doing in the present. “You forgot to feed the dog five years ago!” is no excuse for forgetting to feed the cat today, and bringing up past transgressions simply leads to an escalation of blame and hurt.
“Do as I say, not as I do!”
It’s hard to come home and find that the kitchen is a mess, but… when was the last time you took out the garbage? If you’re going to criticize your spouse or your girlfriend or boyfriend for something they’re neglecting to do, it had better be something you do fairly consistently. Otherwise you’ll come off as a nag who wants the rest of the world to get busy while you put your feet up.
“You’re a lousy lover!”
You were hoping for fireworks – but your sweetie is a sparkler at best. Though you may be frustrated, the worst thing you can do in the moment is to ridicule or insult the person you love for their romantic performance. In intimate situations, when a person is sharing a very private and special part of themselves with you, they are at their most vulnerable, so angry words take on an especially hurtful tone.
If you want to heat things up, positive reinforcement yields better results than angry criticism. “I’d love it if we could stay in this position” works a lot better than “You never stop squirming!” Being a bully in bed might make your beau yearn for someone a little less romantically selfish.
“You knew I was this way when you met me!”
On the one hand, it’s not a good idea to get into a relationship with the intention of changing who someone is. But on the other hand, people naturally change as they grow older, often getting better at time management, financial planning, and social interactions. If one of you is growing and changing and the other is staying stagnant, that’s a big problem. Claiming that you’re allowed to go drinking every night or leave the toilet seat up because that’s what you did when the two of you started dating is effectively saying “I will never grow or change, so don’t invest any hopes in me.”
Rather than freezing your personality in time, address the issue at hand. Come to the table with some things you feel you can change. Then give logical, personal reasons why you prefer to stay the same about other things.
“No comment.”
With all the relationship-killing things you can say, it may be tempting to say nothing at all. But talking and interacting with the other person is your principal job in a relationship!
If you’re not truly listening to your partner, and not expressing yourself – if you’re always saying “fine” or “no problem” – then your issues will never work their way toward resolution, and your partner won’t be able to feel close to you. If you stifle conversation, you’ll suffocate intimacy as well, and soon find your relationship breathing its last gasps.
These are all good things to avoid saying when speaking to a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even someone you’re just beginning to date. Are there some stock phrases you’ve said, or been told, that eventually led to a breakup? Let us know if there’s a phrase that rubs you the wrong way. And let us know if you’ve found some good alternatives to these phrases, to enhance the conversation and lead to greater closeness!
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