We’ve all done it, right? We’ve gotten to the end of a first date and thought, “Wow, I really screwed that one up; I talked about all the wrong things at all the wrong times.” If you find yourself tanking first dates too often, then try to avoid these habits that can derail the first-date train before it even gets going.

Don’t Monopolize the Conversation
Talking too much is a major no-no when you’re trying to get to know someone. But it’s an easy trap to fall into. Sometimes we’re so invested in “selling” ourselves that we go on and on in our attempt to let a date know how great we are. Or sometimes we do just the opposite, displaying our insecurities by constantly apologizing for our shortcomings or complaining about our job or our family or other relationships. And sometimes we just get nervous and try to fill any conversational dead space so it doesn’t appear that the date’s not going well.

Whatever the reason that tempts you to monopolize the conversation, resist it. Instead of talking too much, try to just focus on the moment at hand and be fully present with the other person. Ask questions, try to get to know him or her, and don’t work so hard to mention everything about yourself that you want your date to know. If you can be the kind of person who listens to and shows interest in your date, then you’ll have a much better chance of getting to a second and third date, which means you can gradually highlight your own best qualities over time.

Don’t “Over-share”
At least not right away. Vulnerability and openness are keys to deepening a connection between two people. But when those people have just met, there’s such a thing as offering too much information. It can be a major turn-off if someone immediately begins opening up about his or her deepest fears, family problems, or psychological or emotional issues. Be especially careful about talking about past romantic relationships. One of the quickest ways to tank a first date is to talk a lot about your ex.

This isn’t to say that deeper sharing shouldn’t happen early in a relationship, or even on a first date. By all means, if the conversation goes in that direction and you receive cues that your date is receptive and is inviting more openness from you, then be willing to divulge more. Sharing something meaningful that you have in common is great; purging your own issues is not. Without some clear signs that you’re both interested in letting the conversation go deeper, it’s best to remember that a little mystery is not a bad thing. (If you have to, just keep repeating this mantra to yourself: “It’s a date; it’s not therapy.”)

Don’t try to be Someone you’re Not
Another temptation we all face when we’re getting to know people is to try too hard to impress them. Bragging is never going to win over another person, even if what you’re bragging about is true, and it can cause more trouble if it’s not. After all, think about what’s going to happen if your date does like you and you two begin to get to know each other better. If you haven’t been honest from the beginning, the truth will eventually come out. So don’t get caught making claims you can’t back up once the person gets to know the real you.

Instead, try to be authentic. Again, you don’t have to over-share and expose all your dirty laundry right away. But let the real you come out, and trust that if things are meant to work out between you and your date, they will.

Don’t Propose
Of course you’re not going to literally propose marriage, but sometimes we can make people feel like we’re thinking so much about the future and developing a serious relationship that we create all kinds of fear in them. While it may be your ultimate goal to find a soul mate and/or someone to raise children with, save that conversation for sometime down the line. Even someone who’s open to the idea of settling down might be scared off by a person who, within the first half hour of the date, mentions a ticking biological clock.

As is so often the case in life, the key is to focus on the now. Be fully present during your time with this person, and save tomorrow for tomorrow. Then, if the relationship progresses and there’s a mutual connection between you, you can find just the right moment to begin discussing a possible future that includes your being together.

Don’t Ignore Cues
A successful first date depends on the ability to read social cues. This means that one of your top priorities on any first date is to watch carefully for signals being sent—either consciously or unconsciously—by the person you’re with. Verbal cues as well as nonverbal signals (like facial expressions and body language) can direct you on everything from how much to talk, to what to talk about, to whether to go in for a kiss at the end of the date. Be guided by what you observe.

The main theme throughout these different suggestions is to be both self-aware and aware of your “audience,” i.e., your date. How will your date feel if you ignore the cues he or she is giving? How will he or she respond if you do all the talking? How will your date react if you repeatedly talk about the fact that you’ve already planned out your wedding? If you can be authentic and stay true to yourself but also remain mindful of how you’re coming across to the person you’re with, then you’ll be able to avoid many of these “first-date don’ts.”

Some guys just HAVE it. You know the type – walks in, smiles, looks around the room, introduces himself, and makes an instant connection to every woman he sees. He isn’t a cheesy “Hello Ladies,” type – instead, he has the one thing that women love and men die without…

CONFIDENCE.

We’re not talking about cocky arrogance. We’re not talking about aloof, rude behavior. A truly confident man exudes a sense of ease about himself, and imparts that ease to the people he’s with. He’s not out to impress, even when it’s vital that he be impressive.

In a recent reader question we asked, “What’s the first thing you notice about a potential mate?” A significantly large percentage of women answered, “confidence” and discussed at length the way a man carries himself. Possessing confidence is a trait that’s hard to nail down, and it encompasses a range of physical, emotional, and conversational tendencies.

But whatever the “je ne sais quoi” involved may be, these suggestions will help you get your mojo working overtime.

1. Set Aside the Fact that you don’t Feel Confident

There’s an old saying in the music business, “fake it ‘til you make it.” You may not feel confident, and although it may seem like the entire world knows it, it’s just not true.

ADVERTISEMENT
The world around you, the women you meet, the people at work, cannot see your deepest fears. They do not automatically know how shy and awkward you feel. Each time you enter a new situation, you have the opportunity to open up a new door and take your mojo out for a test drive.

If you pretend to be happy, self-assured, and totally at ease for an evening, one of three things will happen: (a) despite your best efforts you’ll be nervous and scared, which you were anyway, (b) you’ll spend an entire evening pretending to be at ease, or (c) you’ll actually become self-assured and at ease as the night goes on. So take a chance and ask yourself, “What would I do if I had no fear?”

2. Be less SELF-conscious and more OTHER-conscious

Most people with shrunken mojo are very self-conscious. They constantly wonder what others think of them and may actually have negative thoughts that work against their confidence. “She must think I’m so nerdy.” “I bet this woman is used to guys who make more money than I do.” This tape loop of negative feedback runs through the mind at crucial times, short-circuiting any chance of being at ease or confident.

The best way to fix this is to take a giant step in the other direction. Don’t worry that it will be a step too far. Overdoing it wouldn’t hurt, because very confident people often could not care less what others think of them. There are many famous people in this category who are unsavory for a whole host of reasons (Donald Trump and Gene Simmons come to mind), but there is no denying that they seem to think they are smart, funny and interesting. They never spend a second wondering if another person feels the same way.

An other-conscious person doesn’t waste time wondering, “Does she think I’m funny?” They use their inner dialogue to process thoughts about the person to whom they are speaking. They use that mental energy to notice things about the person and ask questions. It’s an effective mental trick that takes the focus of the energy off you and places it on the other person.

3. Smile and Listen with Your Eyes

It’s as simple as that. When you’re nervous or full of anxiety, the first thing you lose is your smile. Don’t give away your best tool for looking happy and attractive.

The other most-noted trait that women look for in a potential mate is “the eyes.” Your dad told you to look people in the eye when you talk to them, and he was right.

4. Fix Anything That Needs Fixing

Through a strange turn of events, I received a gift certificate to an expensive store. I ended up buying a dress shirt that cost $200, and from the moment I walked out of the store, I felt like a fool. I mean, who buys a $200 shirt? But over the next week, as I tried to wear the shirt enough to get my money’s worth, I noticed a strange phenomenon. Whenever I wore the shirt – which was pretty darn flattering – I felt different. I stood up straighter. I got more compliments, and that turned into a mojo extravaganza. I began to feel conversationally bulletproof in that shirt.

I’m not suggesting that you go out and buy a $200 shirt. But if something about you needs tending, go tend to it. Maybe you need a new haircut or new shoes – or just a shine! These things may seem silly . . . but if they make you feel stronger and stand taller, they will help you project more confidence.

Speaking of standing taller, one of the simplest ways that men reveal themselves to be mojo deficient is by their posture. So many women noted that “the way he carries himself” was a key factor in finding a new guy attractive. Perhaps the only thing you need is a straight spine!

5. NEVER Apologize for Who you are, What you do, Where you Live, etc.

In a society where many of the individuals have everything they need, our consumer economy works by convincing you that your life isn’t good enough. You NEED a newer car. You need a better phone. You need a better life. This constant assault by the advertising media is designed to make you feel inadequate, and it works ruthlessly well.

The sooner you start feeling good about who you are, what you do, where you live, and what you own (or don’t own), the sooner you’ll start projecting a comfort in your own skin. I know it’s likely that some area of your life isn’t where you want it to be. We’ve all been there.

When I was 16 my dad gave me an old clunker – a 1967 Ford station wagon. I whined to him, “I’m never going to get any girls in this car.” He was quick to point out, “Well, at least you’ll know that the girls you do get are into you and not the car.” But I learned how to work that car. I OWNED it. I said, “Yes, I have a classic car and I love it.” Instead of looking down at the ground and making a joke about my jalopy, I smiled and said, “This car is a work of art!”

Never demean yourself or your current lot in life. People learn how to treat you by watching how you treat yourself. Finally, it’s never too late to get your mojo working. You may need a new venue. You may need some new people to practice on. But once you’ve laid the foundation for a confidence that’s unshakeable, you can use your new mojo in any circumstance. And don’t forget: If you have confidence, nothing else matters. If you don’t have confidence, nothing else matters.

When you are in a long-term relationship or a marriage, the last thing you ever expect is to find yourself back in the dating pool. But there is a way to start over and live life to the fullest again – and people do it every single day. Here are a few pointers in the right direction.

1. Close the Door
Before you can move forward with life, love or anything it is crucial to deal with the emotions you are experiencing after your loss. Healing your heart can take time and courage, but just take it one day at a time, one breath at a time and allow yourself the experience of processing emotions and finally coming to a place of acceptance with whatever situation you are in. It is also important to learn from our past experience – so we don’t repeat relationship patterns or things that ultimately cause us pain. More important than anything else as you begin dating again is what kind of attention you pay to your internal self. Are there old wounds and baggage you need to release? If so, let them go. Few things will make a worse impression on a first date than a person who is bitter and resentful about a past relationship. So if you need to spend some time working through old feelings and even find some forgiveness for someone who hurt you, doing so will be well worth your time and effort.

2. Set New Standards
Set standards for who you want to be, and for the kinds of people you want to be with. Spend time thinking about what you want, and who you are. The more intentional you can be about what kind of dating life you want to pursue, the greater chance you’ll have of actually creating it. Why not make a list? Write down the qualities you are looking for in your next partner, and keep this list close to you in case you need a reminder!

3. Feel Good on the Outside
This is a great time for “out with the old, in with the new”! Why not try a new hairstyle, or treat yourself to some spa treatments and just pamper yourself a bit! Spend some time considering who you are on the outside, and how you come across to other people. For example, what about your clothes, and your overall look? The 90s may have been a great decade, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep living there when it comes to your fashion and hairstyle. Go shopping with a friend who does a good job of keeping up with the latest trends and fashions.

But more than that, this is about how you feel about yourself as you dive into the dating waters again. If you go back out there feeling good about how you look and about how you’ll be perceived, you’ll present yourself with more confidence and self-assurance. Then you can be more fully yourself, meaning that people will get to see the real you, as you want to be seen.

4: Get Out There!
You have plenty of reason for excitement. This is your chance to completely reinvent yourself and the way you interact with people on a social level. So spend some time thinking about how you’ve always gone about looking for potential partners. Do you want to re-think your old hang-outs? If the places you’ve looked before haven’t yielded such great dating results, then brainstorm some spots you’re more likely to find someone more compatible with you.

Regardless of your past social persona, you can now choose who you want to be in social situations. Decide where you want to go, and who you want to be with, and you can make changes that will allow you to create a dating life that’s fun, exciting, and even adventurous.

Throughout the past century, romance movies have captured our hearts and minds and have prompted laughter and tears over the life and times of endearing characters. Here are twenty must-see romance movies from each decade from the past ninety years of love portrayed on the silver screen.

1920s
Way Down East (1920) Screen legend Lillian Gish stars as Anna Moore, a naive New Englander duped into a sham marriage by a silver-tongued roue (Lowell Sherman) who deserts her after she turns up pregnant. When the infant dies, Anna leaves Boston, changes her name and finds shelter in the bucolic transcendence of a farm community. There she captures the heart of callow romantic David Bartlett (Richard Barthelmess), but Anna’s checkered past comes back to haunt her. The Sheik (1921) Rudolph Valentino, “the greatest lover of all time,” wooed women both on screen and in audiences worldwide playing the title character in this double feature of hit silent films. In The Sheik, wealthy Sheik Ahmed (Valentino) kidnaps Lady Diana (Agnes Ayres) with intentions to make her his bride … but not if feisty Diana can help it. In the sequel, Valentino plays the sheik’s son and is kidnapped by his lover’s (Vilma Bánky) father for ransom.

1930s
City Lights (1931) City Lights was Charlie Chaplin’s last silent film and is widely considered one of his best. Chaplin, once again playing the character known as the Little Tramp, makes the acquaintance of a blind flower girl (Virginia Cherrill), who, because she can’t see him, believes the shabby tramp is a millionaire. The tramp attempts to raise enough money for the blind girl to have an eye operation, knowing she may eventually discover his true identity. It Happened One Night (1934) Runaway socialite Ellie Andrews (Claudette Colbert) is en route to the Big Apple to elope with a fortune-hunting flyboy. Along the way she meets crusty newspaperman Peter Warne (Clark Gable), who’s just been sacked and—unbeknownst to Ellie—plans to sell her story to get his job back. But a string of zany misadventures leads them to realize they’re madly—if reluctantly—in love. It Happened One Night swept every major Academy Award.

1940s
The Philadelphia story (1940) Socialite Tracy Lord (Katharine Hepburn) prepares to remarry, but her ex (Cary Grant) and a tabloid reporter (Best Supporting Actor Oscar-winner James Stewart) have other ideas as they converge on her home for a fateful visit. The three stars form an incomparable romantic triangle in one of the most tantalizing screwball romances ever. Ace Hollywood women’s director George Cukor adapts this urbane Broadway comedy with precision and wit. Casablanca (1942) Of all the “gin joints” in Morocco, Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman), with husband Victor (Paul Henreid) in tow, had to walk into the one owned by Rick (Humphrey Bogart), a former beau she abandoned in Paris. War looms over them all, and in a much-discussed ending, Rick and Ilsa make heroic but heartbreaking choices. As time goes by, director Michael Curtiz’s 1942 classic war noir only gets better. Peter Lorre and Claude Rains also star.

1950s
A Streetcar Named Desire (1951) Marlon Brando spellbinds as the brutish Stanley Kowalski in Tennessee Williams’s classic rumination on carnal attraction and faded gentility. After losing the family plantation to creditors, Blanche DuBois (Vivien Leigh) travels to New Orleans hoping to find comfort with her sister (Kim Hunter), Stanley’s wife. But Blanche gets more than she bargained for. Oscars went to Leigh, Hunter and Karl Malden for their monumental performances. Lady and the Tramp (1955) Lady, a pampered cocker spaniel, and Tramp, a jaunty, freedom-loving mutt with a heart of gold, share romance adventures in this timeless story. Highlighted by memorable songs, this film features a cast of memorable characters—from Peg, an ex-showgirl Pekingese, to Si and Am, two of the most devious felines ever to prowl across the screen. Features the voices of Peggy Lee, Barbara Luddy, Bill Thompson, Bill Baucon, Stan Freberg, Verna Felton.

1960s
The Apartment (1960) C.C. Baxter (Jack Lemmon) has his future mapped out—all he needs to do is cozy up to the top feeders in the corporate food chain. But his fast track to the executive suite gets short-circuited when he falls for one of the bosses’ girlfriends. The Apartment features top-notch performances from Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine and was nominated for 10 Academy Awards, winning five, including Best Picture. Bonnie and Clyde (1967) Serial bank robbers, sometime lovers and folkloric heroes, Bonnie Parker (Faye Dunaway) and Clyde Barrow (Warren Beatty) barrel across Depression-ravaged America on a shooting spree that ended in a deathly rain of bullets—for them. Sexy and stylish, the film, directed by Arthur Penn, shattered the crime film mold, layering comedy onto mayhem and youthful criminality. Gene Wilder makes his first film appearance here.

1970s
Harold and Maude (1971) A self-absorbed, death-obsessed teen (Bud Cort) and a geriatric, high-on-life widow (Ruth Gordon) find love in this comical cult favorite. Hassled by his domineering mother (Vivian Pickles) to play the dating game, the morbid Harold would rather attend funerals, which is where he meets the feisty Maude (natch). The seemingly mismatched pair forms a bond that turns into a highly unconventional—but ultimately satisfying—romance. Annie Hall (1977) Listen closely and you can actually hear the stress hormones pumping through the bodies of the characters in Annie Hall. Woody Allen’s real, funny ode to love among twitchy city dwellers scooped up Oscars for Best Picture, Best Direction, Best Actress (Diane Keaton) and Best Screenplay. And don’t miss cameos of not-yet-stars Jeff Goldblum, Shelley Duvall and Sigourney Weaver.

1980s
Somewhere in Time (1980) In this unabashedly romantic film, an elderly woman approaches playwright Richard Collier (Christopher Reeve) and presses a pocket watch into his hand whispering, “Come back to me.” Years later, Collier becomes obsessed with a picture of an early 1900s actress (Jane Seymour) and discovers that she’s the woman who gave him the watch. Collier wills himself back in time to find the woman, and the pair begins a love affair out of time. Moonstruck (1987) Cher, Olympia Dukakis and screenwriter John Patrick Shanley each won Oscars for their wonderful work in this slice-of-life comedy about the Italian-American denizens of a Brooklyn neighborhood. Cher’s an independent-minded widow who falls in love with a one-handed, misfit baker (Nicolas Cage), much to the chagrin of her betrothed (Danny Aiello). With great performances all around, Moonstruck is bellisima! When Harry Met Sally… (1989) Can men and women remain friends without sex getting in the way? Nora Ephron’s episodic screenplay introduces womanizing, neurotic Harry (Billy Crystal) and ambitious, equally neurotic Sally (Meg Ryan) as chums who resist sexual attraction to maintain their friendship—a relationship always teetering on the brink of love. As the two draw closer, the question resurfaces: Can they stay just pals? Carrie Fisher and Bruno Kirby co-star.

1990s
Sleepless in Seattle (1993) Writer-director Nora Ephron’s Oscar-nominated romantic comedy stars Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan as soul mates who come perilously close to never meeting. Although separated by thousands of miles, rueful widower Sam Baldwin (Hanks) and soon-to-be married Annie Reed (Ryan) connect through a radio call-in show encounter engineered by Sam’s son, Jonah (Ross Malinger). Fans of An Affair to Remember will enjoy the many references to that classic romance. The Bridges of Madison County (1995) When her family is off at the state fair, vaguely discontented Iowa housewife Francesca Johnson (Meryl Streep) meets National Geographic shutterbug Robert Kincaid (Clint Eastwood), who’s in Madison County to shoot Iowa’s covered bridges. What begins as a guarded friendship soon erupts into an intense affair that rekindles Francesca’s forgotten passions. But she finds her emotions in conflict when the time comes to choose her future.

2000s
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) Nia Vardalos plays Toula Portokalos, a single Greek woman who falls in love with a non-Greek (John Corbett), which is a no-no to her strict family—especially her commanding mother, Maria (Lainie Kazan), and her traditional father, Gus (Michael Constantine). Think of it as a cross between Meet the Parents and Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner…with a flavoring on the souvlaki side. Love Actually (2003) An ensemble comedy that tells 10 separate (but intertwining) London love stories, leading to a big climax on Christmas Eve. One of the threads follows the brand-new, unmarried Prime Minister (Hugh Grant) of the United Kingdom, who, on his first day in 10 Downing Street, falls in love with the girl (Martine McCutcheon) who brings him his tea. Denise Richards, Alan Rickman, Keira Knightley and Rowan Atkinson co-star. The Notebook (2004) Based on a Nicholas Sparks novel, this drama chronicles an enduring love that withstands both war and disease. It begins in a nursing home, where a man (James Garner) arrives every day armed with a notebook from which he reads stories about a couple, Noah and Allie (played by Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams), to an unresponsive woman (Gena Rowlands). Who are the characters in the book, and why does the stranger insist on reading about them aloud?

Extraversion is a personality trait or behavioral style that describes an energetic and engaged approach towards the world. It includes traits such as sociability (being outgoing and talkative), activity (being active and energetic), dominance (being assertive and forceful), expressiveness (being outspoken and adventurous) and the tendency to experience positive emotions (being enthusiastic and optimistic).

People with high levels of extraversion are generally called “extraverts,” while those with low levels of extraversion are generally called “introverts.” Extraverts enjoy being with other people and often talk and assert themselves in groups. They tend to be action-oriented individuals who like excitement and experience positive emotions from their outgoing approach to life.

In contrast to extraverts, introverts generally need less stimulation from other people and prefer time alone. They are often described as quiet, reserved or withdrawn. They tend to be low-key, deliberate and detached from the outside world, and are often less enthusiastic and energetic than extraverts.

Extraversion, introversion and shyness
Although introversion is commonly associated with shyness, they are considered to be two different things. However, while introverts simply prefer solitary to social activities, people who are shy often fear social encounters.

Introverted and shy people may have social skills which allow them to be behaviorally extraverted, especially in highly regulated situations like work or social functions in which they play a certain role. But at the same time, they can experience feelings of discomfort or fear that people might see “who they really are. In other situations like close or intimate relationships, these people may feel less control over the situation and may not know what to do or how to act. These ambiguous situations can lead to feelings of awkwardness or inhibition and result in feelings of internal shyness.

Sometimes people may exhibit extraverted behaviors (like being talkative and assertive), but their personality description may be more in line with introverts. People like this can describe themselves as extraverted and shy (publicly outgoing but privately shy).

Shyness can be experienced as discomfort or inhibition in interpersonal situations. Internally, it may be experienced as a form of excessive self-focus, a preoccupation with one’s thoughts, feelings, and physical reactions. Shyness is self-reported in almost 50% of the population. It can be associated with social anxiety or social phobia, but doesn’t have to be—those diagnoses generally occur when persistent social avoidance and discomfort significantly interferes with a person’s everyday life.

The role of extraversion in relationships
Personality traits like extraversion and introversion play important roles in understanding how people interact in relationships. While extraverts may develop relationships quickly and with ease, in some cases, a need for companionship or excitement may cause extraverts to continuously look for things that are new and adventurous, causing them to look outside of an established relationship. Introverts, on the other hand, may have difficulty initially getting to know other people or initiating intimacy. This is especially true if introversion is accompanied by shyness or social anxiety. Once established, however, introverts may put even more effort than extraverts into maintaining relationships making them deep and satisfying.

Although it is often thought that introverts and extraverts are compatible, when it comes to long-term relationships, similarity in these traits may be most important. Research shows that couples who are similar in personality are happier and more stable compared to those who are dissimilar. For example, having similar outlooks on life or agreeing on how you spend time as a couple are two ways in which similar levels of extraversion may not only benefit the relationship but also help fulfill individual needs of social interaction.

The 29 Dimensions of Compatibility
It’s important to understand that introversion and extraversion are not black-or-white classifications that can completely define how a person behaves. Each person has a unique combination of many different aspects that make up who they are. In turn, it is the complete picture of this unique combination of personality traits and behaviors that helps to determine what type of person you are most compatible with.

Extraversion is just one of the aspects revealed in the 29 Dimensions of Compatibility that comprise a person’s social style. Together with the dimensions of character, kindness, dominance, autonomy and adaptability, the dimension of “sociability” describes how you relate to other people.

For some who have experienced a less than happy track record in the dating world, the scariest time in any romantic relationship is when it starts to look like it’s actually going to work out. For the most vulnerable, criticism and doubts about their partner surface at breakneck speed and the validity of the entire relationship comes into question. All in all, though, it seems that chronic dissatisfaction and criticism of a mate may speak more to fears of disappointment than any real incompatibilities in a relationship.

A recent study conducted at Yale University found that people who think about their partner in fluctuating terms of all good or all bad suffered from poor self-esteem. They also tended to get into relationships quickly and idealized their partners as being better than they really were in reality. Then when they perceived even the smallest of faults in their partner, they tended to withdraw into themselves in an attempt to avoid feelings of disappointment. Overly critical, all-or-nothing thinkers stifle their own needs until their lack of fulfillment explodes into criticisms and resentments. Over time they may not have any idea what they’re looking for in a partner.

While it can be easy to be lenient about another’s perceived shortcomings at the start of a relationship, as time lags hidden expectations go unfulfilled. Many people routinely choose incompatible relationships from the start, settling for less than their true needs because that new partner accepts them as they are, despite all of the awful things their sense of low self-esteem and self-worth seem to tell them. And rather than seeing people as having both positives and negatives, overly critical people hold their romantic partners to an unrealistic expectation of having no faults whatsoever. Sadly, this type of “all-or-nothing” behavior can repeat over and over in one relationship after another until a person realizes that they themselves are the problem.

What can be done?
The best way to combat all-or-nothing behavior is to get in touch with unfulfilled expectations from past relationships. For those registered with eHarmony, the Top 10 Can’t Stands and Must Haves are great tools to help refine real relationship needs so no one has to settle. For those dating and in relationships, enjoying current partners for who they are is important. Hammering someone to fit inside a set of unrealistic expectations that can never be met is a recipe for disaster, not to mention cruel and unusual punishment for the unsuspecting parties who are just being themselves.

Along these lines, another important step is to resist breaking up with an unsuspecting partner for temporary relief and the illusion of self-control because it only reinforces all-or-nothing behavior, and may hurt the other person. Truly accept and enjoy what they have to offer and teach you. One pleasurable side effect from accepting another is your own self-acceptance, and since lack of self-esteem is the basis of overly critical, all-or-nothing thinking, the more self-acceptance let in to your life, the happier you can be.

Love is not about all-or-nothing, it’s about the good, the bad and the everything. So starting right now, relax a little more; enjoy a little more, and shelve the judgments and criticisms that create your dissatisfaction. Once you start accepting others, you’ll accept yourself, and when you’re in touch with yourself, you’ll know exactly what you need to have the best relationship. And the best part? You may already be in that relationship.

Self-confidence is the feeling that you can accomplish something that might be challenging or impossible for others. It is based on prior successes, but it also comes from overcoming occasional setbacks. In fact, learning from negative experiences is a useful tool that enhances rather than weakens self-confidence. Think of all the times a baseball star doesn’t hit a home run, an operatic tenor can’t hit a high note, or an actor stars in a mediocre movie. They don’t give up, they merely try again.

When you go on a date, especially for the first time with someone new, self-confidence will be as important a part of a “first impression” as what you are wearing. With that in mind, here are some ways to radiate self-confidence, so that your date feels that he or she is also very special.

1) Learn how to walk with self-confidence. In the weeks or days prior to your date, spend some time watching people walk down the street. Who among them would make a good role model for you? A successful, well-dressed businessman? An athletic-appearing person strolling rather than jogging? Pick someone out, stay about 20-feet behind them, and try to copy their walk. Notice the posture, stride, fluidity of motion-and try to copy it. After a while, turn around and wait for another seemingly self-confident individual, then mimic their walk as well. You may find that you are thinking more positively as well, since improved physicality can often improve our emotions. When you meet your date, this is the way you should walk, especially when greeting them for the first time.

2) Remind yourself of tasks that you have mastered, using these as a springboard for self-confidence in new surroundings. “I was able to give a speech in class last week, so talking with someone attractive will be much easier and enjoyable.” “I’m a creative graphic designer, a unique talent, and I need to radiate the same confidence in an intimate social setting.”

3) Speak less than usual; let your body language (sitting “tall”, maintaining eye-contact, smiling) be evidence of self-confidence, not any self-serving statements.

4) All of the components of image need to be attended to (hair, skincare, clothing etc..) but none should detract from your projection of self-confidence. Truly self-confident people will, in fact, turn the conversation around so that the other individual is in the spotlight-a highly flattering and charming way of impressing your date. Simply put: whatever your strengths, focus on someone else, a nice of way of saying “I’m not the center of attention, you are.” This is quite easy for self-confident people and is an interpersonal skill that yields excellent results.

5) Be familiar with topics of conversation, areas of mutual interest, or defining characteristics of your date before you meet, as well as the restaurant menu or movie or neighborhood where you will be meeting. Conversely, don’t arrive without having any idea what to talk about, at least initially. You’ll appear much more self-confident if you are well-prepared. And take the time to be well-prepared visually. Choosing the right outfit might take a considerable amount of time, but it is time well-spent.

6) Your self-confidence reflects your accomplishments and sense of pride, and so does your physical health. People who have neglected their appearance by gaining excess weight and avoiding daily exercise might give the impression, right or wrong, of poor self-esteem and impaired self-care. Security in a relationship depends in part on how much each individual cares about himself or herself, not the other person. And if someone is not motivated to take care of his or her own health, a potential new friend might wonder how he or she is capable of caring about them.

7) Self-confidence can only come through positive and negative learning experiences. “Try, try again” is something we are taught from childhood-and it is certainly an appropriate statement to remember if you are trying to find a special someone to share time, feelings, and perhaps your life with. “Practice makes perfect” so don’t waste time berating yourself or making yourself depressed if a date is something less than special. On the contrary, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and immediately make plans for the next time, reviewing the information and exercises we have discussed.

Self-confidence is perpetuated and strengthened by resilience. The most difficult challenges of life are those where temporary failure is indeed a possibility. But learning to move forward with added wisdom and insight makes self-confidence the extraordinarily important character trait that it is-and one that you can start developing right now.

MEN DON’T GIVE THESE PERSONALITIES A SECOND THOUGHT. Too often a day in the life of the dating world goes something like this: you meet someone, have a few conversations over the phone, go out once and then never see that person again. Sound familiar? Chances are while you were on your date you discovered a personality that you know you just can’t deal with. It’s not that your date was creepy or malicious; you just know that a long-term relationship with that person won’t work out.

Dating is not about putting people into categories, but there are some personalities that just make a person want to turn and run. You’ve read the 5 Types of Men that Women Avoid, and because we’re all about being fair to both sexes, we have the other side: Five Types of Women that Men Avoid.

1) The Flirty-Bird

Men love women who flirt. Men are drawn to a good flirt because besides being fun and charming, she’s definitely not shy. The flirter shows interest right off the bat, making the “getting to know you” aspect of courtship all the more easy. For a guy, not having to do all the work is a relief.

But there’s a difference between a situational flirt and a serial flirt, and the latter is something that men just don’t want to deal with. A serial flirt giggles, touches, and tosses her hair at everyone: the best friend, the boss, the father. A woman who bats her lashes indiscriminately seems like a challenge at first—How do I get her to just pay attention to me?—but that game gets old really fast.

After a while guys realize that the Flirty-Bird needs constant attention because she’s stricken with major self-esteem issues. An extremely confident and patient man may be able to deal with this kind of behavior, but he’ll probably run himself ragged before realizing that the Flirty-Bird isn’t worth his time.

2) The Commitment-Phile

Imagine that you’re a guy for a second. You meet a fantastic woman and you’re having a great first date. The lighting is just right and the food is perfect. You’re sharing a great conversation and just beginning to get comfortable when…WHAM! Your date starts talking about your wedding location, how many kids she wants and Big Lug, the name of your future dog.

It puts a lot of pressure on a guy right off the bat. In any healthy relationship, the first couple of months—and especially the first couple of dates—should be kept light. A woman who fast-forwards to the happily ever after makes guys wonder if they really are her perfect match. With such a speedy narrative, perhaps her plans are all about fulfilling her dreams regardless of who is standing across from her at the altar.

3) The Cling-On

A needy nuisance, this gal can’t go anywhere or do anything without the company of her man. She adopts his interests, calls 15 times a day and flies off the handle anytime she’s not around to monitor his behavior. The Cling-On is more work than a relationship deserves. She is there at your beck and call and relies on you to entertain her because she basically has no life of her own. The Cling-On smothers any chance of a guy missing her by robbing him of energy and exhausting his patience with her demands.

4) The Party Girl

When men meet this ball of fun, they think she is the life of the party. She’s carefree, maybe a little wild, and from the outside looks like a person they may be interested in. Once they get a closer look, however, they realize that her entire life is a party. While a guaranteed good time may seem like a good idea, what will she be like in the sobering light of day?

Her hilarious antics, outgoing personality and righteous dance moves are good in small doses, but the Party Girl doesn’t know the meaning of “closing time.” It’s hard to have a healthy relationship with a person who is masking major problems underneath his or her party hat. Plus, we all know that people who can’t amuse themselves without mind-altering substances just aren’t any fun when the party is over.

5) The Windbag

Yakkity Yak. The Windbag is the woman who never shuts up, barely stopping to breathe. Seeming only concerned about what is going on in her life and sharing her prattling insights, this Chatty Cathy also has Drama-Queen tendencies (not good).

The Windbag’s rambling renditions drive men crazy for obvious reasons, but they also make men feel a little obsolete since they can go on and on without anyone else’s input. Most people think it takes two to have a conversation, but not The Windbag.

Women are more verbal than men and get a bad rep for being garrulous. The Windbag, however, doesn’t know that the sound of silence is golden. She needs to learn that the more you talk, the less you learn.

Finding Ms. Right

While there are exceptions to the aforementioned personality types, these gals present a tough road ahead. Although avoidance of women with potent personality types may make things easier, keep an open mind and remember that your perfect match may not come in the tidy little package that you envision.

Decoding Nonverbal Language
Whether you’re at the grocery store, local dog park, coffee shop or the latest hip ‘n’ trendy hot spot, it’s frustrating to be rejected when you first approach someone you’d like to know better. Even more frustrating is hitting it off with someone for a few minutes but soon finding that your interaction comes to a lukewarm halt while you thought everything was going so well.

With spoken words making up less than 10% of the information exchanged in a typical conversation, you may be missing out on crucial information being transmitted to you via nonverbal body language. By tuning in to the body language of others – as well as your own – you’ll be in a better position to know whether to keep the conversation going or cut your losses and move on.

Understanding Body Language Cues
Body language can be very subtle, and can sometimes be misinterpreted. It’s important to keep in mind that individual body language cues are not all-or-nothing observations. Even if you notice a few indicators of disinterest, it doesn’t mean you don’t still have a chance. It is the sum of all body language cues that will clue you in to how well you’re hitting it off.

The full impact of understanding body language comes not only when you can recognize the body language of others from the very start of your conversation, but when you can also perceive subtle changes in their nonverbal communication throughout your interaction with them. So if you’re hitting it off but then notice that something changes suddenly for the worst, you can assess what turned them off on the fly by thinking about what and how you’re communicating to them.

Most times people are unaware of their own body language and how it might be coming across. You may be saying a lot to a potential romantic partner without saying a single thing! Even socially anxious people who are more sensitive to others’ reactions may under- or overestimate their own behavior. So make sure you also clue in to your own body language cues that you’re giving off in addition to observing the other person.

Body Language Basics
There are two general categories of body language that can help you assess whether someone shares your same interest level: open and closed.

Open body language usually indicates that a person is interested in you or is receptive to your advances. Generally, a person who is expressing open body language is relaxed in stance, with arms and legs uncrossed, and may use their hands to animate their conversation. Also look for these open body language cues:

• Eye contact is relaxed, but eye-to-eye contact between two interested people is fixed for a longer time. In some cases a person’s pupils may dilate in when gazing intently at a person they have interest in
• Preening gestures, such as someone running fingers through their own hair and tossing the head slightly to the side
• Leaning inward or closer toward a person to gauge response
• Subtle head nods while the other person is talking
• Touching the other person on the arm, hand or shoulder when making a point in conversation
• Blocking, or standing between the object of interest and any other potential suitors in the environment

Closed body language usually indicates that a person is expressing some level of disinterest or apprehension in getting to know you further. Generally, a person who is expressing closed body language may appear somewhat tense or defensive in the shoulders, with one or more arms crossed or situated in the “cobra pose,” in which hands are tucked upward behind the head with the elbows facing outward. Also look for these other common closed body language cues:

• Eye contact. A person may avoid eye contact altogether, as if to hide their true feelings about you. They may look around the room, feigning interest in other people or objects to avoid you. Additionally this avoidance may alternate with short periods of aggressive or intense staring when you look away from them for a moment, as if to say, “Back off.”
• Staying perfectly still. Like looking away, freezing the body can sometimes help a person hide negative feelings toward another in their presence.
• Defensive gestures, such as curling their shoulders inward slightly and pointing the chin downward. Subtle aggression can sometimes be seen with tightly clenched fists as well.
• Leaning away from or physically moving away from the other person, even subtly, can indicate a subconscious desire to get away from the person who is communicating with them.

The Role of Mixed Messages
Sometimes mixed messages come into play during a conversation. During these times someone may seem to like you on the whole, but are giving you cues that they are not 100% comfortable. In mixed-message situations, you may find that a person’s body language belies the tone in their voice. (Hint: If you have a hard time picturing this, try shaking your head side to side as if indicating “no” while vocally saying aloud “yes,” or nodding your head up and down as if saying “yes” while saying “no” aloud. This is a mixed message in its truest sense.) Other times, someone may lean in toward you to get physically closer but make little eye contact with you, save for brief period of intense eye-to-eye contact.

Here are three basic explanations for mixed messages:

• Disinterested. The person is not interested in you, or is deceiving you by pretending to like you enough to keep a civil face.
• Nervous. The person may be interested in you, perhaps even a great deal, but they’re really nervous, and are not sure how you feel about them. Really anxious or shy people can come across as aloof and disinterested when they’re anything but that once they feel comfortable with you.
• External conditions. There are external conditions you may not be aware of, such as someone else they’re interested in is across the room flirting with someone else, or perhaps they’re feeling a bit under the weather. Sometimes someone who is cold might have their arms crossed but is perceived as being defensive.

Putting it all together
All in all, the combination of both spoken and unspoken communication will best tell you how well you’re hitting it off with someone you’re interested in. But armed with the basics of body language, you’ll be well on your way to putting it into practice, and once in play, you’ll be several steps closer to knowing that you’re really hitting it off with someone who is eager to get to know you better, too.

When it comes to love and courtship, getting-to-know-you chat and spoken sweet nothings may pack a whole lot of something beyond the words being said. In fact, the qualities of men”s and women”s voices appear to transmit biological information about attraction level, health and fertility to a potential partner.

All things being equal . . . For both sexes, the focus of what we may be listening for in another’s voice is body symmetry, or a well-proportioned body. The more attractive a voice is, the more likely the body attached to it is more symmetrical and will be perceived as more physically attractive. Symmetry is important because it may suggest to key to physical survival and fertility information to a potential partner: good hormonal balance, a good immunity and overall health. It’s important to note that body symmetry is not the same thing as body size or body mass index (BMI). There are three types of symmetry that matter most in voice-perceived attractiveness of a member of the opposite sex:

For men: Shoulder-to-Hip ratio (SHP)—The presence of wider shoulders coupled with narrower hips seem to predict perceived attractiveness and higher levels of sexual promiscuity in men. A recent study found that males with the most symmetry in their bodies had two to three times the number of sexual partners in a lifetime as did those who have the least symmetrical bodies.

For women: Waist-to-Hip ratio (WHP)—A stature in which a woman’s shoulders and hips are relatively even in size and appear with a narrower waistline, similar to the traditional “hourglass figure,” is perceived as more attractive than a less symmetrical figure. However, one interesting finding is that voice attractiveness of a woman irregardless of her WHP is a better indicator of sexual promiscuity.

For both men and women—Left-to-right side ratio. While everyone has a difference in size between the left and right halves of their bodies, the less difference between the right and left in terms of size, including facial features, the more attractive a person is likely to be rated.
The differences between men and women Men as a rule find higher pitched voices in women to be more attractive than lower voices. Moreover, men can predict the symmetry, and hence attractiveness, of a woman’s face from listening to her voice alone. Estrogen, which is linked to feminine looking faces, is thought to be the cause of both higher voices in women and more attractive facial features. While men cannot predict a woman’s BMI from listening to her voice alone, they can estimate her WHP symmetry.

Women, on the other hand can predict a man’s heaviness and approximate BMI by listening to his voice, but despite his weight, the lower pitched and more attractive his voice is rated, the more symmetrical his body and more sexual partners he is likely to have. More symmetrical males may also have higher self-esteem as a result of being deemed more attractive throughout their lives, so their voices can project confidence and security, two attributes that are also attractive to women. All in all, attraction and chemistry arises from a combination of the senses, but the sound of a person’s voice appears to play a major part in rating a potential partner’s attractiveness. If you shut your eyes and listen closely to the voice of someone you’re attracted to and like what you hear, chances are you’ll probably open your eyes and like what you see, too.